They're taking the farmers to Jötunheimr!

Gentlewomen and Gentlemen of the Vox Chaotica Council! Alas, I have failed you. As of writing this sentence it is 11:58 Wednesday night. You know what that means? I won't have a post this Wednesday. It's fallen to Thorsday. "Wait, Cutter, you usually fix your typos... What gives!" Oh, sorry, fantastic (though potentially imaginary) Internet reader, I'm just so distraught over not fulfilling my promise to you all that I–PSYCH! I totally did this on purpose because IT'S THOR'S DAY! BOOM! You may have thought you had gotten out of this, but there is NO escape! Besides, you should know you're using a Heathen calendar by now. I already talked about Moon Day and Tyr's Day, and Woden's Day, and now wer're down to the last three days.

To be totally honest, Thor is kind of a douche silo. His main focus in life is going around smashing things with his hammer. Before we get any further, we are not talking about Marvel's Thor. That particular Thor is not a good representation of the actual myths–except for Chris Hemsworth's muscles. But honestly, let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that they got one thing right:

Many might find this male's form... attractive.Norse Thor was a bad mamma jamma to be sure. He would take weeks and go to Jötunheimr, the land of giants, and just bust heads for fun. He's by far the strongest of the gods–his belt doubles his strength, and his Iron Gauntlets allow him to wield Mjölnir, and he's already the most swole of all the pantheon. But he's not really the smartest.

It's going to bother me until I do this, so here's a quick list of five things that the comics do differently than the book: 1) Odin and Loki are normally brothers. 2) Thor is married to Sif. 3) Odin would never become "too old" to rule or ever leave his throne. He is always the King of Æsgard. 4) Thor just wants to go around beating people up and killing giants. 5) Thor gets around in a chariot pulled by goats.

Actually, about Thor's goats... He eats them as his meals when he goes out on his giant-killing binges. And no, he isn't always in need of a new pair of goats to replace the ones he eats. He literally kills the goats every night, eats all the flesh from the bones (none of the marrow–you'll know why in a little bit), then puts the bones back in place on the skins, and goes to sleep. When he wakes up the goats are good as new, completely regrown.

So one time, Thor was out chilling, being a tool chest like he does, raining bolts of lightning down at Midgard to relieve his boredom, when he got the sudden desire to go challenge the Jötunn king, Útgarða-Loki. So he collects Loki–because lord (All-father) knows he could use the smarts–and sets off. He and Loki jump in the goat-chariot and fly towards Jötunheimr, but stop as dusk falls at a humble little cottage. Seeing Thor and Loki disembarking, the reverent farmer and his wife offer Thor and Loki their best livestock, but Thor just shouts "I GOT THIS" and hammers both his goats in their heads. "Just don't eat the marrow, yeah?" Thor says, and carefully skins the goats and roasts them.

Unfortunately, the two children of the farmer were either out near yonder well playing, or they were overcome by having a decent meal ("Geez, mom, why aren't there any crops? Just because we live inside the arctic circle and the sun never sets half the year doesn't mean you couldn't get me some good wheat for bread!") that they broke open a goat femur and ate the marrow. Thor did his usual thing, but didn't notice the broken bone until the next morning, when the goat was walking around lame. "I DEMAND BOTH YOUR CHILDREN IN RETURN FOR MY GOATS!" A word of advice: when Thor yells at you, expect to die even if you comply. The farmer immediately agrees, and Thor now has two servants. The elder son–named Thjálfi–is really the only one that matters.

Sans chariot, Thor and Loki and the two boys venture through the wood toward Jötunheimr, and when night falls, rest in what they think is a cave, which turns out to be Skrymir's glove, a giant who agrees to take Thor and Friends to Utgarða-Loki's castle. Fun fact, the trip takes two days, and the night between is taken up entirely by Skrymir's snoring, which Thor tries to silence with his hammer, but after three of his strongest strikes, nothing happens–not even a scratch on Skrymir's head. Thor the Humiliated tries to sleep but is unsuccessful, like Loki and the two children.

Gosh Dangit, Bobby! Anyway, they get to the castle, Skrymir disappears behind a mountain range and Utgarða-Loki welcomes the travellers to his castle. He says he heard Thor had come to challenge him, but ridicules the thunder god and says he is sure Thor and Loki cannot compete against the giants, which makes Thor RAGINGLY angry, but Loki's stomach growls and the Jötunn King challenges him to a food-eating competition. Loki eats the equivalent of two full cows, but leaves the bones and the plates, which his giant opponent does not, and therefore the trickster loses.  for Loki, saying he cannot outwit the smartest giant. Loki tries, but the battle of wits quickly turns against him and the giant wins.

Thor wants a chance, so he asks to wrestle with the strongest of the giants. Gently mocking Thor, Utgarða-Loki sets out the next challenge and an old crone appears. Guess what happens? Thor says #ChallengeACCEPTED and immediately gets locked in a stranglehold by this old woman until he passes out. Thor calls for a rematch, and the giants send out a kitten. Granted, it's a giant's kitten, so imagine a fuzzball feline about six feet tall. He wrestles the kitty for a bit, but can only ever get one paw off the ground. Exhausted and being ridiculed by the people he had dreamed of violently ending, he gives Thjálfi a turn: Utgarða-Loki says, "Race this giant, he's the fastest we have."

The poor boy Thjálfi loses the race to him three times (by the time Thjálfi finishes the race once, the giant had already started and finished the entire race three times). In one final effort to prove he is supreme among all creatures, Thor takes on the challenge of drinking the entire contents of this drinking horn in one gulp–most giants can do it in two, but no one ever takes three. Surprise, surprise, Thor barely makes a dent in it after three heroic gulps.

Then Utgarða-Loki gloats, saying: "The guy you ate against, that was Fire–who consumes everything in his path. The crone you wrestled? That was death–an opponent no one can overcome. And the cat, that's the embodiment of the world I made with my magic, loser. Oh, yeah... That race was rigged too. You tried to race thought, the fastest thing in all the nine worlds. And I magicked that horn so the open end would link directly to the WHOLE FREAKING OCEAN. I'm the BEST, and I even diverted those hammer strokes you put in my head–oh, by the way, I was Skrymir too–by connecting my head and this valley over there. I did this because I am awesome and totally wasn't afraid at all of you coming in here and beating us all up at everything. But hey, you did something, because we now have earthquakes from you pulling the world up, tides because you sucked so much water out of the ocean, and these valleys are new and actually rather fertile land. Which wouldn't have happened without you... huh."

So Thor went home gloating about how he was better than the giants and had beaten them at everything. Oh, and also brutally murdering any giants he came across on his way home, because why not.

And that's Thor. He's not really smart, he likes to bash things up, and... uh... yeah. That's basically it.

Yeah, I'm gonna just beat some guys up. I've only killed fifteen giants today, and I'm feeling a bit;dr Cutter implies that you should read the alt-text (hover over links and pictures with your cursor) in his posts because there's humor there too. He loves you guys (in totally a non-creepy way–except you, you smokin' hot personage you!) and wants to make all the things enjoyable for you. Also it's freaking Thor's Day! BOLT FROM THE BLUE, literally! He's a thunder god, which is what that's funny.